Labor of Love: The Distinct Appeal of Domestic Romanticization of #cottagecore & #stayathomegf
Unit 2: Modern Aesthetics of Gender Roles; Topic 3: Why We Are Obsessed with Return to the Land Aesthetics
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Curiously,
Ambi & Abbey
The “farm fantasy” is shared by many wistful, internet-addicted, coastal working professionals. For those unfamiliar, the fairytale goes that one day, after cutting it in the big city, the sweet reward will be a life “away from it all”. Retire to the land.
As we learned in Farm to FAANG, the journey to our current concept of a career was relatively modern. The 40-hour work week arose in the last century, a construct whose allure is tarnishing.
American men are socialized to believe that “going out” and “making something of themselves” grants them respect. Money becomes an objective measurement of masculine worth in the cultural male psyche.
Seeing men being paid sums and respect for their efforts, women of the early 20th century contested their lot. They coveted the way men’s efforts earned social and economic capital, while their work at home, once shared by both genders, gave them little advantage outside of it.
But a hundred years later, the promise of purpose from a career falls short for both American men and women.
Women know this truth more acutely and have come far enough professionally to look back with rose-colored glasses at a time when their domestic responsibilities were the only ones they had to burden.
For women, entry into the workforce was not an either-or situation, as domestic labor defaulted to women. While many households are making strides to be more egalitarian with the division of labor, these behaviors are socially entrenched and the second shift is tough to find coverage.
Today, American women generally shoulder more of the housework, about 46%, which drastically increases for households with children.
While taxing and strenuous, domestic labor does have its benefits, though it’s not a 401K. Women are intimately familiar with the purpose and fulfillment of work done out of love.
While companies may borrow from the language of love (e.g. “We’re a family here!”), they fail to supplement true connection. Anyone who has mourned the causal shedding of a coworker relationship can relate. Unlike the domain of the home, workers are reduced to line items.
Cottage core and the stay-at-home-girlfriend funnel into the escapist fantasy in which these domestic duties are savored rather than burdened. They can be performed with love.
These aesthetics reframe the mundane as meditative; folding laundry, kneading bread, and cleaning the dishes becomes a life-sustaining motion.
The collective daydream of pastoral escapism: whether it be cottage-core or stay-at-home-girlfriend directly rejects the notions of career fulfillment in favor of living simply and without monetary compensation (though both these aesthetics have been heavily monetized, as any search for “cottage core clothes” can attest).
Visions of abundance and rest were painted as an escape from the demands of everyday life. When we look at history, they ebb and flow with periods of frustration with society at large. For the French, Romanticism and Revolution went hand in hand & the hippies sought solace from society in communes & farms. Even as far back as Sapho’s lyrical poetics, we see longings for abundance and burden-free romanticism, insinuations of eternal harvests, slow leisure, and space to gorge on the luxuries of life.
With technology, we can be united in our ingrained isolation and collectively imagine on the internet. These off-the-grid daydreams of self-sustenance ironically form digital communities, resonating with large populations burdened by the unrelenting demands of modern life. Even without the time or resources to participate in these acts, the consumption of their digital forms feels like a bite of escapism.
The invitation to enjoy process over profit; whether that be crocheting a handmade tablecloth or lovingly scratch cooking a meal for your partner, offers loving respite from a world that tries to cruelly quantify our value.
Shamelessly embracing domestic labor in the form of the stay-at-home mom, it makes sense why participating in this escapism from afar is a safer way to engage with this desire to enjoy. A more recent adaption of this is the stay-at-home-girlfriend, showcased typically via TikToks with soothing music, slow mornings, vacuum dance sessions…and no children or ring on the left finger. The unabashed “leaning in” to the domestic archetype has extended to that of the legally unrecognized partnership.
While some may say otherwise, the stay-at-home-girlfriend and cottage core internet aesthetics speak to a perspective that yearns for a deeper purpose, albeit from different vantage points.
Many critiques of both internet aesthetics have spoken to their lack of inclusivity and SAHGF has been read as anti-feminist.
Indeed, women who are without careers are vulnerable in today’s society, but does the conscious choice to reject that security and validation speak to something larger? If men were given space to yearn for something beyond professional achievement and money hoarding, might they find some solace in sourdough, too?
Discussion Questions:
Have you ever had a “farm fantasy”?
What would the world look like if remuneration were on equal playing fields for both traditional household and corporate duties?
When was the last time you got into a flow task doing something you weren’t paid for?
Glossary:
Stay-at-home-girlfriend: refers to a romantic partner in a relationship who chooses to primarily stay at home rather than pursuing a full-time job or career outside of the home.
Sources:
The French Revolution & Romanticism
The History, Drivers, and Social Issues of the Cottagecore Movement by Mason M. Waller
Making a choice and pursuing your choice with conscious intent leads to a rewarding and blessed life. Having limited choices, and playing the hand life has given us with purpose and conscious intent is making lemonade out of lemons. No doubt there can be social, economic or political choice reductions in our lives. Focusing on what we cannot do rather than what we can do, can put us in a negative frame of mind.
I admire the mother of 12 who had little time to do much more than care for her children, but did her tasks with love and intent. Or the mom or dad who worked 80 hours a week because that was the best way they could show their love, and felt fulfilled. No doubt almost every society has error in limiting someone’s choices.
Perhaps when choices were had then taken away the loss of that choice can be more painful than never having one. But I feel how I approach the options I have in this moment, determines my happiness.