Part 4: Performance or Manipulation: A Study on Men’s Fashion

men’s fashion as a device for women’s pick-me syndrome, a character study

*this piece is written entirely in lowercase because i like the aesthetic and identity it brings. i also like this thread about the ‘i’ in lowercase as devaluing the ‘i’ in a society that increasingly values the individual over the community. enjoy!*

while i often critique a certain type of man¹ for using fashion as a manipulative gimmick to adopt a soft boi image (see alyson’s piece), disguising a homogenized, Fashion-Bros ™ archetype, this piece serves as a meta-self-inquiry. it questions whether my condemnation arises not from their supposed attempt to 'redefine masculinity' by embracing femininity², but from my own pick-me-syndrome, rooted in a fear of embracing my own femininity.

above is a text conversation i recently had with my boyfriend. it’s about a certain niche men’s fashion blogger we both used to follow being roasted in a super-specific fashion discord. this discord community is run by two hyper-niche men’s fashion podcast dudes, both of whose career journeys we had to deeply know and viscerally understand in order to internalize what these very niche references signal. 

now, why do i know all of this? why do i know the companies at which these men’s fashion podcasters worked, what podcast they previously hosted, why that podcast evolved into another one, which then evolved into their current one? why is it that i’ve always been interested in supreme culture³ and been attracted to men who 

(1) have this deep niche knowledge of exclusivity 

(2) own these exclusive pieces, and 

(3) are seemingly above it all? 

why do i find myself drawn to men who can casually drop references to obscure japanese designers or discuss the intricacies of italian tailoring⁴?

perhaps it's because i've internalized the idea that to be interesting, to be worthy of attention, i need to be fluent in these traditionally masculine spaces. it's as if by understanding and participating in these niche communities, i can prove that i'm not like other girls⁵. i'm the cool girl who gets it, who can hang with the boys and their esoteric interests.

but isn't this just another form of the pick-me syndrome? am i not just performing for the male gaze, even as i critique others for doing the same? there's a certain irony in condemning men for adopting feminine traits while i myself am chasing masculinity through men’s fashion knowledge.

this obsession with men's fashion isn't just about the clothes. it's about power, about being in the know, about having access to a world that's supposedly not for me. it's about the thrill of understanding something that's meant to exclude. but at what cost?

am i not just reinforcing the very hierarchies i claim to oppose? by valuing this niche knowledge so highly, am i not just propping up another form of elitism, another way to separate the "cool" from the "uncool"?

and what does it say about me that i find men who engage in this type of gatekeeping attractive? am i drawn to the exclusivity, the sense of being part of something special? or is it a misguided attempt to prove my own worth by association?

as i further myself in this world of hyper-specific men's fashion, i have to ask myself: am i really interested in the clothes, the design, the craftsmanship? or am i more interested in the social capital it provides? the ability to drop the right names, to recognize the right references, to be seen as "in the know"?

this leads me to an uncomfortable question: in this dance of knowledge and exclusivity, who's really pulling the strings? are these fashion-savvy men manipulating me into chasing their approval, or am i the one manipulating them, using their world as a stage for my own performance of desirability? 

is the obsession with men's fashion my internalized misogyny? is it rooted in a desire to be seen as exceptional by men and a fear of embracing my own femininity?

“You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman.”

— Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride

1. not the j-crew-banana-republic man, i lean more Our Legacy / Stüssy / derek guy type beat

2. fashion is historically a feminine hobby (why is fashion feminine?), caring about fashion for hyper masculine men still feels like something they cannot do because it is too ‘girly’

3. in the early 1990s, supreme was founded by james jebbia in the heart of new york's skateboarding scene. the brand started as a small store selling skateboards, apparel, and accessories to a niche group of skateboarders and downtown locals. however, it quickly gained traction with its unique approach to streetwear. supreme's early success can be attributed to its authenticity and connection to the skateboarding culture. the brand's designs were heavily influenced by the urban landscape and the rebellious spirit of skateboarding. this resonated with the skaters who saw supreme as more than just a clothing brand, but a representation of their lifestyle. more here

4. when i say italian tailoring, i’m referring to @dieworkwear aka derek guy on twitter who writes exclusively about high end men’s fashion

5. even though i claim to be a girls’ girl